Action Bronson has just released an album with the greatest title ever: “JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHLAVA THE DOCTOR.”
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TOP 5 SONGS
5. DOCTOR
Respectfully, I would expect malpractice if Action Bronson was my doctor.
“DOCTOR” features the kind of instrumentation you might hear at the end of a movie when the good guys discover that one of their own was actually the villain. It’s the perfect soundtrack for a scene where they walk away into the night, reflecting on the unexpected twist. So, what does Action Bronson deliver over this unique instrumentation? Bizarre lyrics, of course! Specifically, he talks about choking people with their own medallions, needing hammer pants to hide his hammers, and grilling meat over fire. Despite Bronson sounding pretty laidback, he delves into themes of violence throughout the track (he doesn’t strike me as someone who’s violent).
4. KOMPRESSOR (Ft. Larry June)
Larry June steals the show here.
Action Bronson adding Larry June to “KOMPRESSOR” is more of a seamless fit than the Knicks adding OG Anunoby to their team. His sophisticated style perfectly fits the exquisite, silky-smooth production. I am also thankful that he drops a verse that isn’t ridiculous (He talks about regular s**t like stacking money and living life lavishly). As for Action Bronson, he talks about rubbing something to numb up his tooth, singing Ginuwine songs to get women to go nuts, and purchasing fellatio for 40 bucks (Ah, crazy-ass Bronson f**king up the vibes again).
3. HOGAN (Ft. Meyhem Lauren)
Action Bronson and Meyhem Lauren take on all the crime bosses of New York in “The New Adventures of Action and Meyhem,” airing at 9 PM after ALF.
This track’s beat (which I love) gives me funky, ’70s buddy cop vibes—like some Starsky and Hutch s**t. Thanks to the backdrop, you get an edgy version of Action Bronson who’s intent on riding the beat, and when he starts to slip off, he quickly finds his grip again. Lyrically, he talks about getting COVID from Mel Gibson at a McGregor fight, waking up next to the muthaf**ka from The Planet of the Apes, and dealing with women who get ashamed after blowing up bathrooms. As for Meyhem Lauren, he doesn’t sound as crazy as Bronson. He delivers a conventional verse that has him finding numerous ways to say he’s down to put his competition in the dirt. Strangely, Meyhem sounds like he recorded his verse after a chase scene.
2. SEGA
Nah, Action Bronson took it too far with this instrumental.
“SEGA” features an unconventional, Celtic-like instrumental that I have no clue how to dance to (shoutout to the Celtics, though). While Action Bronson may not perfectly synchronize with it, he deserves credit for his attempt (this is what effort looks like, Luka). Lyrically, Bronson delivers his signature craziness, discussing swinging big lumber, unsettling encounters with taxi drivers, and experiences in cranberry clubs.
1. NOURISH A THUG
I can definitely see Action Bronson body slamming someone, so I would call him a thug.
In “NOURISH A THUG.” Action Bronson talks about dunking on midgets for the physics, hitting Blockbuster stores in blizzards, and exfoliating in rivers with mud on. He also says some conventional s**t, like he likes sleeping in a bed with two dykes and having buff shoulders.
The production in “NOURISH A THUG” is unbelievable—it’s like a blend of The Cosby Show vibes mixed with some wildlife elements (kudos to Daringer). As expected, Action Bronson effortlessly navigates through it, spewing utter nonsense in the most fantastic way possible.
SONG-BY-SONG RATING
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RGM RATING
(C+) (77%)
I’ve never heard an album like this before. I mean, the intro is a f**king cologne commercial.
Let me get this out of the way immediately: Action Bronson is a ridiculous rapper. Though I love his rap voice and believe he has some great rap mechanics, the level of gibberish that comes out of his mouth is unbelievable. Seriously, while listening to JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHLAVA THE DOCTOR, which is a ridiculous title, by the way, I literally asked myself over and over again: What the f**k is this dude talking about? Here’s the kicker, though: It’s tight as s**t to listen to him rap. Bronson’s imagination is next-level, and maybe (just maybe) he’s experienced some of the wild s**t he talks about.
Aside from Bronson’s strange verses, you also get some peculiar instrumentals. I’m talking instrumentals with video game elements, instrumentals with ’70s buddy-cop vibes, and instrumentals that sound like some s**t you would hear on Sesame Street. Here’s the kicker, though: they are tight as s**t to listen to! Why does my brain like music like this, Jesus?
Quincy is the creator of Ratings Game Music. He loves writing about music, taking long walks on beaches, and spaghetti that fights him back.
